A Ranger and a Stranger
by kitten dwarf
Summary: He thought maybe, just this once, he wouldn't have to spend this day alone. Red Green Show / Ranger Gord
1. Chapter 1

Ranger Gordon Ranger stared longingly out into the misty woods from the staggering height of fire watch tower #13 . The vast Canadian forest wasn't the only thing that was misty on that cold, uncaring Saturday morning as he tried to stifle the dewy tears forming in his big brown eyes. In other words, today was a day like any other.

It was an ordinary day. He shaved, combed his hair, and donned his uniform like he did every ordinary day. The ranger always maintained a clean-cut appearance despite his lack of powder room facilities. He prepared breakfast and then pulled up a stool whilst he gazed into the treetops and contemplated his utterly crushing loneliness; vast and expansive as this wilderness - just another ordinary day.

No, perhaps not. Perhaps today was a little worse. For it was his birthday, the one day that no one - let alone a man as attractive as he - - should be alone. It wasn't right. Everyone had forgotten. Even the squirrels and the muskrats. No cake, no presents, not even a 'happy birthday, Gord!'. Nothing. His best friend Red Green wasn't due to visit until tomorrow, but even Red always forgot his big day too. Gord never forgot Red's birthday. Last year he even went to the trouble of making an educational nature cartoon all about animal births in honor of the great leader of Possum Lodge. He just wished that maybe, just this once, he wouldn't have to spend this day alone.

The lonely forest ranger sniffled, puffed out his chest, then let out a deep sigh of rugged, manly resolve. And he stared. Stared with all his might out into the landscape, for it was his sworn duty above all else that protecting the forest and citizens comes first. He had vowed to honor this pure, natural beauty. But his mind did wander. Alas, thought Gord, if only the pure natural beauty of a female were his to protect and honor as well … and all the better if she were human. He grinned, perfect white teeth gleaming through the fog.

He relaxed on his wooden stool, munching slowly on his bark sandwich. "Needs more sap," he critiqued. Suddenly from down below there came a loud rustling of leaves and snapping of twigs. He bolted up and peered over the edge of the tower, just catching a glimpse of what appeared to be none other than a damsel in distress! A young maiden was running breathlessly through the spruces, her long blonde curls bouncing, her frilled peach dress flowing behind her. She was unkempt; covered with dead leaves and debris. She tripped over a root and let out an odd little yelp, then picked herself up and continued stumbling throughout the trees.

Gord sprang for the stairs, tripping over the stool. "Wait! Don't go! I'll help you – I'm a ranger! Stay right there!" He flew down the hundreds of creaky wooden stairs and leaped from the last landing onto the dusty pathway, falling forward a bit onto his hands. He stood up and looked around, but the girl had vanished. "No … no! This can't be! Where are you? Come back! NOOOOO!" He fell to his knees, sobbing.


	2. Chapter 2

Red Green sat at his desk in a little back room of the lodge, scrutinizing an attempt at whittling. The little wooden possum didn't look quite right. He turned it over in his hands, trying to think on how to improve upon it. Just as he was reaching into the drawer for the duct tape, Ranger Gord burst into the room.

"Red, you'll never believe what happened – I met a woman in the forest today!"

The bearded man cocked an eyebrow. "You been eating those strange mushrooms again, Gord?"

"No Red, this one is real. The real deal. And I've tracked her all the way to the lodge. You haven't seen her by any chance, have you Red?"

Red sat the lopsided wooden creature down on his desk and let out a sigh. "Gord, _no one_ around here sees any of the things you do …"

Gord chuckled. "I know, right? No one up here is half the expert tracker I am." He sniffed a little and hitched up his belt. "My keen wilderness survival instincts are why they picked me to watch over this forest you know," he stated proudly. "Anyway, I have reason to believe the young lady is injured and in immediate need of my assistance. I must find her right away."

Red fiddled with his knife. "Are you sure it wasn't a moose or deer or something? There hasn't been anyone up here at the lodge this early. The only reason I'm even here is to catch up on a lot of important lodge business. Or so I told Bernice after I found out her parents were coming in to visit this weekend."

"No, this was definitely a human," he replied dismissively. "I've collected hair and textile samples," he declared, fumbling through his pocket for a plastic baggie. He tossed the bag on the desk in front of Red. "There, ya see?" he said, pointing. "No moose would be caught dead in a dress that colour." Red lifted up the bag briefly and at a distance, unsure what to think. "You see Red, today's my birthday, and I was hoping to spend it with her; nursing her back to heath in my watch tower just like a baby bird," he grinned sheepishly. "Though eventually they all fly away," he added angrily.

"It's your birthday today eh? Well happy birthday there Gord! How old does that make you now?"

The ranger stared into the distance for a few seconds before breaking down into tears. Red grimaced and stood up to escort the bawling man to the door. "Um, well, if I see anyone matching the description of a peach frilly dress and long blonde curls, I'll be sure to send 'em on up to your watch tower so that you two can do … whatever ..."

"Oh, would you, Red? You promise?"

"Yes, yes, sure thing if you just -"

"Oh thank you Red Green!" he shouted, squeezing the flannel-clad man tightly. "I'm going to go get a cake and presents and wrap them to be from her to me – oh Red this is going to be the best birthday ever!"

Red pushed the door shut and fell back against it, wiping his brow.


	3. Chapter 3

Red was rummaging through a stack of old cardboard boxes, searching for just what he needed to put the finishing touches on his woodcraft. Suddenly Red heard the sounds of clumsy footsteps bumbling down the hall and that odd, strangulated vocalization that could only announce the arrival of his dorky nephew Harold.

"Uncle Red! Uncle Red!" gasped Harold excitedly. Uninterested, the lodge leader continued to dig through boxes, intent upon finding the leftover Christmas tinsel. "Uncle Red, you'll never believe what happened!" Content that the little box of silver tinsel was nowhere to be found, he decided to take a break and humor his nephew. Turning to Harold, he was taken aback by what he saw standing there. Instead of his nephew usually dressed just like himself in plaid and mismatched suspenders, with slicked-back dark hair and thick glasses – there stood the boy in full drag. Ugly drag. A horrible frilly dress in an unflattering shade of peach, clown-like makeup and granny glasses, and topped with a bouncy blonde wig. The dress was covered in dirt, and little branches protruded from the curls. Recovering quickly – since this was Harold, after all – Red grinned.

"Aren't you a little old to be playing Goldilocks and the Three Bears there?" he laughed.

"Ha! Very funny!" shrieked Harold, tugging at the wig but to no avail. "A few of the guys up at the college told me they were going to a big party up in Port Asbestos, then asked if I wanted to go, but it was going to be a 'dressup-as-the-opposite-sex' party -"

"So which did you decide to go as?"

Harold glared, his shiny white overbite unchanged. "They helped me get ready then halfway there they threw my normal clothes out the window, then 5 minutes later they tossed me out too. I had to run all the way back here, through the wilderness, _at night_ – I tried to find my clothes but couldn't and ya knowhat? Ya knowhat? Those jerks put glue in the wig!" he wailed, trying once again to remove the hairpiece. "I even got these stupid glasses in my prescription because I was so excited to be invited!" He paused sadly. "I should've been suspicious when I noticed none of them were dressed like girls too," he sighed. "Well, at least I got here before anyone saw me."

Red's mind wandered to Ranger Gord.

"Do we have any clothes up here at the Lodge that I could borrow? This dress is so _itchy_. And I'm going to need to do something about this wig."

Red pondered. "Well, there's a pile of Stinky Peterson's laundry out back that started to disintegrate before he could get it washed." Harold grimaced. "Then there's those 10XL Hawaiian shirts that Moose Thompson outgrew last summer. We all were gonna make sailboats outta 'em but I guess we could spare one."

"One of Moose's shirts is just going to look like a dress too," he groaned.

"Yeah, if you're going to dress like a woman you might as well have better taste than Moose Thompson," Red snickered. "Look, why don't you wait here and I'll give you a lift home as soon as I finish up my important lodge business that keeps getting interrupted."

"Its not that stupid wooden possum is it?"

Red shooed him away to the back room.


	4. Chapter 4

No sooner had Red finished his handicraft, than did an excited Ranger Gord burst through the door. "Where is she? Where is she, Red?" he cried, looking behind various boxes and tools. He absent-mindedly checked under a taxidermied possum; when noticing, he casually apologized to it. "I saw her come up here to the lodge." He scurried over to Red, grabbing his shoulders. "You told me you'd let me know if you saw her. You PROMISED me, Red Green ..."

Red, avoiding eye contact as if the man were a wild animal, tried to think of an excuse to get rid of the unstable Ranger. "Well, um, ya know there Gord - she did come up here to the lodge and I, um … well I told her to go on up to the watch tower there to see you."

"Oh." Gord let up his grip and his dark brown eyes softened. "You told her to go find me."

Red relaxed. "Yes sir, that's what I did, I sent her to you," he laughed, pleased that Gord would no doubt rush back to his post.

Most unpredictably, Gord's eyes flashed and he tightened his grip on the man's shoulders, digging his fingernails into the flannel. He stared straight into the eyes of the lodge leader. "You're saying that you sent that poor, lost, defenseless young lady - disheveled and injured - alone out there into the cold, dark, unforgiving wilderness? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?!"

Harold stumbled out of the back room, groggily waving curls from his face. He had passed out from exhaustion on the sofa, deciding to wait until he got home to try and remove the wig and dress. "What's all the racket out here? I'm trying to sleep!" he whined.

Gord released the bearded man from his clutches, jaw dropped, as he stared at Harold in that hideous getup. Red took the opportunity to move out of Gord's reach, then let out a sigh of relief. However he would have to now tell Gord the truth. Before he could say a word, the lonely Ranger began to get misty-eyed. "You … lied to me, Red Green!" he bawled, pointing at Harold.

"Now listen, Gord, I can explain -"

"Explain?" he shouted, spittle flying into Red's eye. "Tell me then. Tell me about how you broke our sacred promise, an oath between men! I can't believe you'd stoop this low! Do you think I'm a fool?"

Red and Harold shot each other a knowing glance.

"Don'tcha think you're making too much outta this Gord?"

"Fiend! To dare think such a happily married man such as yourself would try to trick me and keep this beautiful young maiden for yourself! SCOUNDREL!"

Red and Harold stared at Ranger Gord, speechless.

"Pft – you're old enough to be her grandfather anyhow," chided Gord, looking Red up and down, lingering on his mid-section. Harold began giggling at this, further annoying his uncle. Recomposing himself, Red always could get the upper hand.

"Well by golly I guess you're too smart for me Gord. I was going to take this young lady back to her place but I know she'd rather be with a studmuffin like you there." Harold looked stunned. "I'll just be going and I'll leave you two lovebirds alone, you got the whole lodge to yourselves until meetin' time!"

Ranger Gord proudly placed his hands on his hips in victory, only to break down into a fit of childish glee. "Thank you, oh thank you Red Green!" he squealed, hugging the man before he could escape. Then he grabbed Harold by the wrist and started to lead him away, eagerly asking questions without stopping for a reply, and telling him about the plans for his party, and how the squirrels were there decorating. They went out the back door, Harold making nervous incoherent noises and looking back helplessly at Red as Gord prattled on excitedly.

"Well," Red chuckled to himself, "I guess we'll be hearin' wedding bells under the oak tree soon." A loud shriek could be heard as Harold ran by the windows, Gord fast on his tail. "That's usually where you can find a couple a nuts!" Red grabbed his little wooden possum, then merrily headed out the door.


End file.
